Harvest Moon: Back to the Ghetto
by NeonGensis
Summary: Kai's brother, a gangsta-wanna be moves into the town. He, too, is a farmer, of...pot! Watch the town slowly fall apart! Chapter 12 just added!
1. The Announcement

Jack looked up from his garden work, a smile on his grimy face. He loved the feel of the sun on his back, and the cooling effect the spring breeze had on his sweaty brow and arms, but most of all, he liked the feeling of a job well done.  
  
"Ah, springtime on the farm!" Jack though, pleased with himself. "If there's a finer life, I haven't found it yet!"  
  
He bent back over his work, hoeing the fields in manageable plots, ready for seeds, when he slowly became aware of some incessant noise. Towards the northern edge of his farm, his dog, Bandit, was barking at two figures coming in from the town.  
  
"Bandit!," Jack called, leaning on his hoe. "Get over here!"  
  
"Oh, it's no problem whatsoever! No problem!" The approaching figure resolved into a short, squat man with a partly-bald dome of a head, and brush-like moustache, dressed entirely in red, right down to his top hat. Even then, however, Jack recognized the mayor by his voice. Beside him, Jack saw, was Karen, one of the prettiest girls in town. She was dressed in her familiar and casual denim shorts with hiking boots, in a purple and white top.  
  
Jack nearly stumbled as he dropped his hoe, and felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. He stared at his feet, and risked stealing a peek at Karen-and was surprised to find her blushing as well. As she tucked one of her two blonde-highlighted bangs away from her face, he wondered at the fact that he had never seen her do anything remotely feminine before. But, NOW... now, he was learning a lot of other things about her recently....  
  
"Hello, Jack," she said, smiling, and then produced a plate of blackened round things from behind her back. "I made some cookies, uh, for you. I understand if you don't, um, want...to...eat them?" Both her eyes and voice betrayed her doubt in her own cooking ability.   
  
"I'm sure it's fine!" Jack smiled at her confidently as he picked one up, but he did a double-take as he turned to take a bite out of...whatever it was. Did she say it was a cookie?! He scratched his head, perplexed.  
  
"You don't....um, have to eat it," Karen said. "I know I'm still learning, and besides, Ann is a much better cook than I am...."  
  
Jack was about to protest and, to his horror, eat the cookie she'd made just to make her feel better, but suddenly the mayor snatched it out of his hands and tossed it back to the plate.  
  
"No time for that, no time," the mayor said, wiping the charred streaks from his white-gloved fingers on his red coat. "Kai and Jamal, not to mention the other townsfolk, are all waiting for us by the beach!" Experimentally, he licked his fingers and immediately spat in revulsion.  
  
"Uh...a bug flew into my mouth," he said lamely, as Karen looked at him to see what was the matter.  
  
"Oh, it must have been awful!" Karen made a face, and stuck out her tongue.  
  
"It was, it was," the mayor replied, his eyes tearing.   
  
Jack took the plate of cookies from Karen and headed back to his house, but as he passed the mayor, he thought he saw a meaningful wink that seemed to say, "You owe me one, boy." Jack decided not to ask about it.  
  
As Jack joined up with Karen and the mayor, he asked why Kai was in Mineral Village at all. Kai, the dark-skinned sailor from abroad, always came the first day of summer to open the Seaside Lodge, but it was still the 23rd day of Spring! As it turned out, Kai was handing the restaurant over to his brother, Jamal, and wanted to show him the ropes and introduce him to the townspeople before business officially opened.  
  
Jack nodded as the mayor explained all this to him, and Karen gave furtive side-long glances and secret smiles to him, but he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts: What kind of name was Jamal?  



	2. Meeting Kai's Brother

The other townspeople of Mineral Village were already gathered in the square by the time Jack arrived with the mayor and Karen. Some of them, like Zach, who stood out of the crowd easily, waved a hearty "hello!" but other wise they were all abuzz with speculation and gossip. Who was this person coming to the town? They all knew that it was Kai's brother, Jamal, but would he be good for the town? Some of the people whispered worriedly while others seemed to look forward to the prospects of having more people around.  
  
"Heh heh!" Zach came over and slapped Jack on the back. Because of Zach's strength and size, Jack nearly fell to the cobblestones from the blow. "Bet you're jealous, am I right? After all, we never had anything like this when you arrived!"  
  
Jack smiled politely at him. Zach took all of his crops to the markets every day at dusk, and paid him well, too, so he was one of the first people Jack met when he first arrived. It didn't seem very long ago that he took over his grandfather's run-down farm; it was hard work, but the time just seemed to fly.  
  
"That's true," Jack admitted, "But I'm not jealous of it. You were simply distrustful of strangers, that's all, but ever since I came, look at all the good that's come from it!" The others around him nodded at his words. "Besides, Kai's been here longer than I have, and even he was a stranger once, too."  
  
There was a general round of nodding again, from the other men who gathered around the two, but somewhere off to the side, someone harrumphed, loudly and irritably.  
  
Rick, from the poultry farm next door to Jack's own farm, pushed his wide glasses up on his nose in an authoritative and haughty manner. "I like everybody in the village except Kai," he said to no one in particular, waving his finger in the air. "All he does is come to our village and flirt with the girls, and disturb everyth--- oww! Hey! Cut it out, sis!"  
  
"That's enough, big brother," Popuri interrupted, grabbing his ear. Popuri was easily the most ladylike of the girls in town, and she both looked and acted like her mother, the perpetually- and mysteriously-ill Lilia. Today, she wore a full red dress and a black outer bodice over her poofy-sleeved white blouse, and a green headband to hold back her long, silky lavender hair.  
  
"Hello, Jack!" she said in a suddenly singsong voice, as if noticing him for the first time. The men of the town, never a bunch to miss free public entertainment when it presented itself, crowded in closer and chuckled. "I didn't know you would be here! Otherwise, I would have made myself look presentable!"  
  
"You look very presentable as it is," stammered Jack, as whoops of laughter erupted from all around. Popuri blushed and pretended to smooth out imaginary wrinkles from her dress, and batted her lashes innocently. Off to the side, the married women of the town giggled and gossiped while looking in their direction, while the other available girls of the town glared and muttered not far from them.  
  
"That's enough now! Yes, enough!" Mayor Thomas chuckled as he climbed a podium and waved his hands up to call their attention. The crowd hushed at once, although a few last titters erupted as they tried to compose themselves. "Is everyone here, then? Good," he said, looking around. "Thank you for being able to make it, thank you! As you know, a newcomer is coming to our little Mineral Village, but I think we ought to let our good friend Kai make the introductions. Kai?"  
  
Applause came up from all around as Kai emerged from the back of the throng and made his way up to the stand. Everyone nodded their heads approvingly, all except Rick, Jack noticed, who folded his arms across his chest resolutely. Kai shook the mayor's hand and waved all around, smiling in his usual brilliant way, and winked over in Popuri's direction although everyone could see him do so. She blushed slightly, and stole a peek at Jack to see what his reaction was.  
  
"You're so kind," he said, as he tucked in his shirt and arranged the purple bandana that covered his dark head. "I know I come here every summer and no earlier, but this year is special. I want to introduce you all to the new owner of the Seaside Lodge restaurant, who will be a permanent resident of Mineral Village from this day forward. Let me introduce to you my brother… Jamal!"  
  
Everyone clapped politely as they looked at each other's faces, although Kai was clapping enthusiastically. Rick was muttering under his breath about having two people to hate now, although Cliff, the tenacious loner who lived in the Inn, nodded and hoped that Jamal would prove to be a hard worker. There seemed to various reactions and expectations from the townspeople, although most of it was actually pleasant.  
  
Slowly, the clapping died down as noses turned to the air and sniffed. Jack noticed some of the others doing it, and he shrugged his shoulders at Rick and Zach, but slowly they were sniffing the air too. Finally, they all caught it-it was the scent of something burning, but it wasn't an unpleasant smell. It seemed, actually, to be rather sweet-smelling, like incense, but not quite.   
  
Suddenly, Jack's stomach rumbled and growled, and reminded him of how hungry he was. He looked at his stomach, surprised and embarrassed.   
  
Slowly, the crowd parted from the back and Jack craned his neck to see. In the middle of the crowd stood a tall man, darker in skin color and more muscular than Kai. He wore baggy, orange jeans and a white wife-beater shirt. Gaudy gold chains hung around his neck, and he had black sunglasses perched on top of his head, and he bobbed his head up and down as he looked from side to side, as though he were listening to music on some unseen headphones. He grinned suavely as he approached the mayor and Kai in a loping, wolf-like gait that almost looked like he was dancing while walking. In his mouth he clenched what looked like a tiny hand-rolled cigarette, only both ends were pinched--- that had to be what was making the strange, sweet smell, Jack thought.  
  
"Whaaaaassuuup, man?!" Jamal stuck his tongue out and wagged it, as he whipped his hand into the mayor's outstretched hand and pulled him into a tight hug, slapping him on the back eagerly. When he let the mayor go, Mayor Thomas seemed shaken, as though unsure whether to be offended or not, and fixed the round spectacles back into their proper place, smiling hesitantly.  
  
"Brother!" Kai said happily, stretching his arms out.  
  
"Bro!" Jamal returned. "Whaaasssuuuup!" They slapped their hands together and, simultaneously, made a complex series of gestures like a secret fraternity handshake, which ended in both of them snapping their fingers at the same time. "Long time, no see!"  
  
"You're telling me!" Kai laughed, then slung an arm around his brother and turned to the stunned audience. "Everyone," he said, smiling, "This is my younger brother, Jamal! Be nice to him! I'm sure everything'll be fine, so long as we all try to get along! Isn't that right, bro?"  
  
"Word up, G," nodded Jamal smoothly, and then threw his hands up into a lifting motion above his head. "Yo, I gots only four words to say to y'all homies: MINERAL VILLAGE IN DA HOUSE!"  



	3. Visiting the Doctor and Elli

Bandit the dog lifted his hind leg, and, taking expert aim, made a direct hit on the base of the Mineral clinic's mailbox.  
  
"Bandit!" hissed Jack, as he rang the Doctor's doorbell. "What are you doing!? Stop that at once! Bad dog! Bad!" He stabbed an accusing finger at the small, yellow mess that now ran in rivulets between the steps of the Clinic's sidewalk.  
  
Bandit lowered its tail between its legs and slunked over to hide behind a fence post. Its large, black eyes gestured into a pathetic, sorry look, its brow furrowed and tilted sadly, just as the Mineral Clinic's door opened inwards.  
  
"Yes, who is it?" came a female voice just as Elli's head appeared. "If it's not an emergency, could you please come back when the clinic is-- oh, hello, Jack!" Elli's cheeks colored. "What brings you here today? You're not ill, are you?"  
  
"No, no! That's not it at all," laughed Jack, although he didn't keep her from placing her hands all over his neck and head, to see if he was hot. Truth to tell, he rather liked it, though he couldn't say why for sure. "I just wanted to drop off some produce for you and the Doc," he said, hefting two large plastic bags. "And some cheese for your grandmother Ellen. How is she, anyway?"  
  
"Fine, although she could use the company. I was about to see her in a little while," smiled Elli. "But please!, do come in! And is that Bandit with you?"  
  
Behind the fence, peeking his head around the corner of the post, Bandit let out a happy energetic bark, and began wagging his tail.   
  
"Why are you hiding? Jack, Bandit actually looks guilty!" She laughed. "What on earth could that dog have done to... done to...." Her voice trailed off as her eyes spied on the puddle beneath the mailbox. "Oh, my," was all she could say.  
  
Beside her, Jack rolled his eyes and sighed, then pointed again to the mess. "Bad dog!"  
  
***  
  
"Really, Jack, you should have gone through all the trouble." The Doctor was weighing two large cheese wheels, stacked atop each other, in his hands. Approvingly, he nodded, and put them into his refrigerator. "Elli," I'll put your cheese in here, along with mine, if you don't mind."  
  
"Of course not, Doctor! That should be all of it, then-- huh?" Elli looked into the plastic bags. "Jack, there are two bottles of honey in this bag, next to the cheese."  
  
"Oh, that! Can you please leave just one bottle out on the counter there, Elli? I'm going to give it to the new guy; the other is for Stu to share with May. I know those two kids would like it a lot. Thanks for reminding me," he said, smiling sincerely. "Doc, I was wondering if you'd like to join me this afternoon, since the clinic is closed. What do you say? Are you as curious as I am about what Jamal is like?"  
  
The doctor rubbed his chin pensively, as he always did when thinking about something, then nodded. "Yes, I suppose I am. Curious, that is, about Kai's brother." He stood from his stool and went over behind Elli's reception counter, then removed a large jar containing bubbly green liquid from a glass-faced cabinet. "I suppose it wouldn't do if we both showed up and only you had a welcoming gift. Do you think he'd like a Turbojolt?"  
  
"I don't see why not, Doc. The first few weeks will probably be strenuous for him, as he copes with learning how to run the Seaside Lodge. I'm sure a Turbojolt would pick him right up when he's feeling run-down."  
  
Elli nodded at the Doctor, agreeing with Jack. She crimsoned slightly, as she realized that right before her, and in private, she had the two men she cared for the most in this village. Her cheeks heated and flushed a little bit more as her thoughts wandered and let her imagination take over....  
  
"Elli? Are you okay?" The doctor snapped his fingers, and she gave a start. "Elli?"  
  
"I'll be fine," Elli said after a moment. She shook her head and glanced between the doctor and Jack, both of whom were giving her very strange looks. Strange looks, but she recognized the sincerity and the concern behind them. "I was just daydreaming, that's all. Nothing wrong with that.  
  
"Well, if there's nothing else, I'll be on my way." She stood and placed the plastic bag, minus one jar of honey, into a wicker picnic-style basket and looped the basket over her arm. "There's still some groceries I should pick up at the store before I see Grandma. Take care, Jack! Doctor, if you need me, you know where I'll be!"  
  
"Of course, see you tomorrow, Elli," said the doctor, at the same time Jack said, "Enjoy your day off! Say hello to the two of them for me!"  
  
"Goodbye! Goodbye! She gave them a final look and smiled hopelessly as she closd the door behind her. Imagination, indeed!  
  
The two men stood staring at the door for a long time before either of them moved or said anything, but it was Jack who broke the silence. "That was certianly...odd, wasn't it?"  
  
The Doctor nodded slowly, but said nothing. Shrugging his shoulders, he turned to find a bag under the counters where he could put his welcoming gift in.  
  
To be continued... 


	4. Meeting the Neighbors

As Jack and the Doctor of Mineral Village walked down the steps that lead from the town square to the beach, they both breathed in the deliciously-tangy seaside air. It was sharp and salty, and it carried the shrill cries of the seagulls that hovered and spiralled over the waters. It was a beautiful day in general, and Jack was glad to have found the time to step away from his duties on the farm and enjoy the afternoon. He reminded himself to thank the Harvest Sprites, the diminuitive seven elfish brothers who often helped him on the farm, with an extra gallon of milk each with their regular pay, later on.  
  
"No wonder Kai is so healthy," said Jack. "His adventures at sea must be very invigorating." Every summer, Kai arrived at the village to manage the Seaside Lodge restaurant, but the rest of the year, he presumably spent his days as a crewman aboard a merchant vessel.  
  
The doctor looked startled at his words.  
  
"What is it? What did I say?"  
  
The doctor shook his head, and rubbed his chin pensively. Moments later, he hit his fist into the other hand, coming to a conclusion. "I can trust you, right, Jack? I mean, what I'm about to tell you violates the doctor-patient confidentiality ethical code." He waited for Jack's nod, which came hesitantly. "Have you ever noticed how Kai always takes two little white pills?"  
  
"Sure, but I thought that those were vitamins, or aspirin, or something."  
  
"What, every six hours? Don't be absurd-- although you're partially right. One of those is a Vitamin C supplement. He's got a constant case of scurvy, from a lack of citrus fruits when he's out to sea. That's the real reason he never participates in the swimming festival on the first day of summer; his body's covered with black and blue sores."  
  
Jack missed a step and nearly stumbled into the sand as they neared the Seaside Lodge. "What did you say?"  
  
"It's true, completely true. The other white pill he takes is pennicilin. He's got herpes, Jack. I can't say that it's not to be expected, though. I mean, all those days at sea, isolated on a ship with an only male crew...." The doctor shook his head.  
  
Jack thought about this for a while. Then he thought some more. "I'm not sure what this her-pees is," he said, mouthing the unfamiliar word awkwardly. "I'm not following you, doc."  
  
"I'll, uh, explain it to you later," he said, sticking his hands into his lab coat. His head spun, amazed, just as the pain-chipped front door of the Seaside Lodge opened and Kai's brother stepped out onto the front porch.  
  
"Aiiiiit, whassup, homies?" Jamal wagged his tongue side to side, his head bobbing as though listening to some unheard music. "So how ya doing, my bruthas, on this fine and beautiful day?"  
  
He meant it in a friendly manner, but Jack instantly disliked him just for the way he said things. "Ummm...," was all he could say.  
  
"Cool, cool," Jamal said, then took a drag from what looked like a hand-rolled tiny cigarette in his hand. "You're nature boy and the doctor, right? Kai's told me lots about you two. Oh, wait, where are my manners? You down with this?" He held out the 'cigarette,' which he held with pinched fingers.  
  
"Nature boy?," thought Jack. He took his blue cap off and scratched his head.  
  
The Doctor looked at the proferred joint with disdain, and coolly said, "Cigarettes are bad for your health, you know. Not good for the lungs," he added, waving away the bittersweet tendrils of smoke that wafted up to him.  
  
"Hey, no problemo, doc! But you should know dis ain't a cig, or any kind o' smokes. This here's called a *blunt*," Jamal emphasized the word so that Jack could almost see the italicizations. "And it's made o' all-natural herbs and shit, like fucking KFC--- Finger lickin' herbs and spices, know what I mean?" He cracked up at his own joke, as the Doctor and Jack looked at each other.  
  
Their expressions said it all: What is he *talking* about?  
  
"Ah...what did you say it was called? A blunt?"  
  
"Hell yeah, nigga," Jamal took another deep drag and half-smiled, half-giggled incomprehensibly. "Know what I mean?"  
  
"Still, no matter what it's called, smoking can't be very good for you," the Doctor began.   
  
Jamal shook his head, cutting him off. "Not dis shit. It's *all* good. It makes you feel all, uh, happy-like."  
  
"Like anesthesia?"  
  
"Yeah," giggled Jamal. "Dat's the shit. Anesth--anes-- that pain killer shit. I'm surprised youse don't gots it here; it's all the rage back where Kai and I came from. He pointed to the bags that both the Doc and Jack were holding. "Whatcha gots in there?"  
  
"Huh? Oh this," the Doc started from his own thoughts, and handed his bag over to Jamal. "It's a TurboJolt, in case you get tired here," he said hastily. "You can get more from the clinic in town, if you need any more. It's a welcome gift. Now about this 'blunt'...."  
  
"A gift? Holy shit, man, that's like real neighborly and shit! Thanks, big D!"  
  
"Big....D?" The doctor blinked, and began to laugh. "I like it! Jack, did you hear what he called me? I've got a nickname! 'Big D'," he said again, pleased with the way that it sounded.  
  
"Whatcha gots in your bag?" With his hand still pinching at the quickly-diminishing blunt, Jamal pointed with his pinky at Jack's own parcel.  
  
"Uh, it's a welcome gift also. Here's some Grade-A honey, fresh from my farm," Jack said. He took it out of the plastic bag and held it up to show him.  
  
"Aiit, nature boy! Goodies!" Jamal practically lunged towards Jack and caught him in a bearhug, slapping away at his back. Jack winced with every blow, and was relieved when he was released. "You know, just one of these blunts hits all the spots....but for some reason, you get mad hungry afterwards, know what I mean?"  
  
Jamal held up the golden jar of honey and grinned at it. "Yeah, I'm gonna need this shit, hell yeah!"  
  
"Um, Jamal, about those herbs," said the Doctor. "Do you think I might be able to get some of that shit-- I mean, some samples? For my clinic, you see. As the only doctor in Mineral Village, I kind of consider it my responsibility to know about every therapeutic means out there."  
  
"Sure, doc! Damn staraight, this thing'll make you feel good, no matter what ails ya. Only thing is... it's kind of on the pricey side, ya know?"  
  
The Doctor shook his head. "Don't worry about costs. All I care about is my patients, especially if this thing works, like you say. Can I start off with, say, two pounds' worth?"  
  
"God *damn*, that's alot!" Jamal lifted his sunglasses over his eyes and grinned at Jack. "Big D sure knows how to treat his patients, am I right?" He turned around and entered his house, leaving the door ajar.  
  
"No, no," the Doc laughed and called out loudly, "one pound is for me; the rest is for Basil, the town herbalist. I'm sure he'll be very interested in this, er, blunt of yours also!"  
  
"Do you think that that's a good idea, Doctor?" Jack creased his forehead. "I mean, it's still rather experimental in terms of its medicinal benefits; do we really want Basil to start eating these leaves too? Because, you *know* he's going to do just that."  
  
"Hell, nature boy!" Jamal returned, holding a roughly brick-shaped package of green 'herbs' in either hand. "This shit's all good. I've been doing it for ten, maybe twenty years now! Here ya go, Doc! Just come back whenever you need more! First batch is free, then after that, I'm gonna have to start charging ya!"  
  
"Oh, well, I don't know if I'll be back *so* soon...." The Doctor grinned at green bricks in his hand. "I mean, look at how much this is!"  
  
"Trust me, Doc! You'll be back, *real* soon." Jamal grinned and nodded his head knowingly, as he waved goodbye to his two guests. 


	5. Distributing the Goods

"That should do it for this week, Lillia," said the doctor, rubbing his aching eyes. He knew the usual responsibilites of being a doctor were added on to, in light of the fact that he was the only medically-trained person in the village, but sometimes he wondered whether it was a good idea to expand his business to include gynecology as well. In some instances, it was a benefit, like seeing Elli (god, she could be so got if she wanted to!) and Karen (the town hottie) in the buff, but the accepting of other duties also meant seeing some other unpleasant things. Like, for example, the village girls' mothers, and in Elli's case, grandmother.  
  
"That's it, doctor?" Lillia pouted, and pursed her lips in what she hoped was a tantalizing way. Not getting the reaction she hoped, she started buttoning her blous again. Her husband had been gone for a long time now, and Lillia wasn't hetting any younger-- and here was the Doctor, a perfectly suitable, single young man. The problem was in trying to get his attention. "You can't do anything else for me?" she added, batting her lashes.  
  
"Not this week, I'm afriad. Maybe next week I'll have something for you, but--- no, forget about it," the doctor changed his mind. "It's still experimental. I shouldn't have mentioned it."  
  
"What? Doctor, you can let me know what it is, can't you?" Lillian purposely left her top two buttons undone, and tried to discreetly lean over towards him. Still no response. Damn.  
  
Sighing, the Doctor, opened his drawer and removed from it a plastic-wrapped brikc made of compacted dark leaves. Although his table stood in between her and the Doctor, she could smell its pungent aroma. Her stomach rumbled, suddenly, and her cheeks brightened in embarassment, but he didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Oregano?" She blinked, perplexed.  
  
"No, no," said the doctor, hefting it with one hand. "It's something Kai's brother, Jamal, gave to me. It's from the city where he came from; apparently it's called 'cannabis' or 'pot.' Also known as 'marijuana' and 'Mary Jane.'  
  
"We're still testing it," he continued, "To see if it does work or not. It seems to be, although we're apprehensive trying it out on a human for medicinal purposes."  
  
"We?" Lillia asked. She snuck a peek around the corner at Elli, the young brunette who worked as the doctor's nurse. Suddenly, Elli looked up and noticed, and gave a friendly wave. Taken aback, Lillia waved back. Bitch.  
  
"Basil and I," the Doctor clarified. "Jamal's been smoking it for extended periods of time, years in fact. But as the town herbologist, Basil and I agreed we should test it on an unexposed patient first."  
  
"Well, what about me, doctor? I could be that first patient!"  
  
"Oh no," the Doctor shook his head as he scratched at his chin. "I couldn't, not with an untested drug--"  
  
"I'll pay you $100 gold for it," she said, picking up her purse beside her.  
  
"Madam!," the Doctor half-rose from his chair, a shocked look on his face. "That's barely more than enough to buy a loaf of bread in the local store! And besides, it's against every ethical standard for me to---"  
  
"I'll pay you $1000 gold for the lot," Lillia interrupted.  
  
"Sold!" exclaimed the Doctor. "Now, will that be cash? Or charge?"  
  
To be Continued.... 


	6. The Herb Virgin and the Old Dude

[ Some legal notes: Except for Jamal, all characters and names are owned by Natsume Inc. My apologies for the blatant defamation! Don't do drugs, man! ]   
  
  
  
"Yo, what's up chinkie?" Jamal strode up to Won the merchant, who was found in his usual spot against the wall in Mineral Village's Winespring Inn.   
  
It was a beautiful day in the tiny, sleepy town, and so Jamal felt justified in putting that extra little spring in his step-- but weren't all the days just simply wonderful? Or was it the fact that he'd just smoked up, that made every nerve in Jamal's body tingle with pleasure? Jamal neither knew the answer, nor cared.   
  
"How yas doin', mah homie?" Jamal slapped his hand into Won's outstretched hand. "Yeah, man! Gimme five!"   
  
Behind his sunglasses, Won tried not to oggle. Such...strange customs these people had-- extend your hand for a shake, and get a slap instead. How curious. "Ah, Jamal. Such a pleasure to see you again."   
  
"Word," Jamal nodded. "So...ya gots da shit I asked for?"   
  
Won tried hard not to laugh. What colorful language these people had! If Jamal had really meant what he just asked for, then Won would probably need to wash his hands afterwards. Twice, even.   
  
But then again, Jamal was a foreigner to this town. This was not the first time the two had exchanged words, but Won still had trouble understanding Kai's older brother from the inner city. What was the word that he used?, Won wondered. The "hood," wasn't it?   
  
"Of course, Won replied to Jamal, and with a self-pleased smile, pulled back the flap of his yellow Chinese-style shirt. From the recesses of the voluminous garment-- the better to smuggle porno mags in for Pastor Carter, Won added-- he produced a red-translucent length of plastic tubing. The cylinder had a base on one end, and a rubber ring on the open mouth by the other end. Midway up the length of the pipe, a smaller plastic pipe branched upwards and away.   
  
"Holy shiznit, mah yellow brother," Jamal jumped back, genuinely impressed. "That's one helluva fine piece ya gots me!"   
  
Won nodded modestly. "Thank you for your kind words. To tell the truth, I was afraid that I'd misheard your description and gotten the order all wrong. I've never heard of....a bong before," he explained, struggling with the unfamiliar word.   
  
"What? You shittin' me, man? You never heard of a bong before?"   
  
Won shook his head slowly, not sure where Jamal was going with this.   
  
"Hell, man! You're telling me you're an herb virgin?" Jamal slapped Won on the back, laughing, not noticing Won's bulging eyes. Behind the counter, Doug, the proprietor stared suspiciously at them, whereas his daughter Ann could be heard whispering "Eek! Ecchi!"   
  
"Shit, man, I'll deflower ya tonight," Jamal said, ignoring or not noticing the looks he was getting from Ann, Doug, or Won. "Besides, I've gotta break-in this bong, and the sooner the better, know what I mean?"   
  
"I...I suppose," Won stammered. "But really, sir, I must protest-- Who told you that I'm a -- I mean, I'm not a virgin!"   
  
"Not after tonight, you won't! Buahahaha!" Jamal laughed heartily.   
  
"Excuse me," said a cantankerous voice nearby. "Can't you lower it down a bit? Some of us are trying to enjoy their time here in the inn!"   
  
Both Won and Jamal turned to look at Saibara, the town blacksmith. Although it was hard to tell who was older, Saibara or Barley, the owner of Yodel Farm that specialized in livestock, there was no question who was the more stern of the two. Saibara was well known for his tempers, which got worse and worse through the years. He could often be heard as far away as the Town Square, whipping his grandson Gray with his metal-buckle belt. That was usually only on Friday nights, however, after Saibara'd had too much to drink.   
  
"What's going on here?" Saibara roared, his words slightly slurred.   
  
"Oh, shiznit, man! Mah bad! I didn't know we wuz too louds fer ya, old dude!" Jamal scratched at the side of his nappy-haired head, and shrugged his shoulders. "Yo, man, you're Saibara, right? The blacksmith? How's it hanging, old dude?"   
  
"All the time," said Saibara, mishearing what the black man said. He rocked slightly on his feet although still standing upright, his arms over his barrel-chested green shirt. "It's hanging all the time; seems I can't get the ol' boy up nowadays. Why are you asking? You wouldn't be a faggot, would ya? Jeff the grocer and you would get along very well together."   
  
"Aiit, a comedian!" Jamal cracked up, slapping his knee as he held onto his 3-foot-long bong with the other hand, as Won stared behind his round sunglasses.   
  
"Ah, so sorry to hear that, Saibara-sir. If you'd like some medicine for your, ah, condition, I've got the perfect thing here," Won said, starting to reach into his yellow chinese coat. "It's the newest thing, I assure you--"   
  
"What've you got there, hrmm?" Saibara interrupted Won, pointing to the red tube in Jamal's hands.   
  
"What? You never heard o' a bong before? Shit, man! Are you another herb virgin?" Jamal put the bong proudly on the nearest table, displaying it like it was a work of art. "This, mah niggas, is the state o' da art, fully-functioning, superbly-crafted BluntMastah-3000. It has nodules for hook-up hoses for seven additional people to use at the same time, a super-ass fine filtration system, and comes in pre-scented weed flavors man! With this thing, you can make a high-nigga-pie!"   
  
Jamal chortled uncontrollably as the grizzled blacksmith and the opportunity-savvy merchant looked at each other and shrugged.   
  
"What's it for?" asked Saibara.   
  
"It's for smokin' up weed, man!"   
  
Saibara nodded and drew himself up. This was more his area of expertise. He'd been pipe-smoking for years, and thought he knew his tobacco weeds fairly well. "Hrmm, what kind?"   
  
Jamal blinked, not sure if the old dude was joking. "Shiznit, man, you never heard of pot? The chronic? The blunt? The mary jane? The cannabis? The hemp?   
  
"Shit, man," he continued, and held up a hand to start counting, "There is plenty o' names for dis shit: grass, weed, bud, jay, reefer, joint, ganja, herb, dope, smoke, boo ya, red hair, the green, the kind, mary jane, skunk, sens, thai sticks, hash, hashish, mowie wowie, J, hooter, toke, yesca, budah, bionic, shwag, indica, mex, herbage, doobage, wacky tobacky, hemp, THC, indo, homegrown, and doobie. Yas never heard of marijuana?"   
  
Won shook his head, but Saibara nodded, slowly. "That's that medicine stuff you gave to the Doctor and to Lillia, right?"   
  
"Yeah, man, this stuff makes it all good." Jamal grinned from ear to ear, bobbing his head as though to some unheard music. "It's the feel-good shit for all your worries."   
  
Saibara nodded, scratching at his chest-length white beared, knitting his hairy white eyebrows together. "I heard of that shit... I mean, of that stuff. The Doctor actually wanted me to make some new kind of device for Lillia, to make it easier for her to smoke. Oh, and she's reporting good reviews for that stuff of yours so far," Saibara added. "May I?" He pointed to the bong on the table.   
  
Jamal shrugged. "Why the hell not? Have at it, old dude!"   
  
Won sat down on a nearby bench, watching Saibara pick the bong up. The blacksmith ran his fingers over the shiny red glass, carefully memorizing the look and the feel of it under his probing fingers. After a while, he handed it back to Jamal.   
  
"It's construction should be exceedingly simple," he said. "I'll get on it right away. Er, do you mind if I stop by the Seaside Lodge sometime, to talk about the schematics of its design? And maybe see how you use it? I'd be most grateful; such knowledge would make my job so much easier."   
  
"Hell, man! No problem with me! In fact, me and Chinkie here," Jamal pointed at the surprised merchant, "Me and Chinkie are planning to christen the BluntMastah-3000 tonight. Stop by, if you want to. Aiit?"   
  
"Later tonight, then," Saibara nodded, still swaying slightly drunkenly on his feet. "Thank you, Jamal, even if you are a flaming poofter." He patted his crotch and grinned from ear to ear, and then stumbling slightly, turned and walked back to his waiting mug of beer.


	7. Basil gets the munchies

v"Daaaaaddy, you've got a package on the doorstep!"  
  
Basil, Mineral Village's only herbologist and most prominent writer, looked up from his tabletop full of glass beakers and test tubes and bunsen burners. That was his daughter Mary's voice, calling from downstairs in the house, followed by the sound of a door closing.  
  
"I'm upstairs, Mary," he called, "in the lab."  
  
"It's from Kai's brother, the new owner of the Seaside Lodge," Mary read on the brown paper-wrapped parcel, all done up with twine. She shook the box lightly as she went upstairs. "It's very musty-smelling, whatever it is." She handed it over to her father.  
  
"Ah, I've been expecting this." Basil grinned. He glanced around the laboratory (which was really only a sectioned-off area in the bedroom that his wife, Anna, indulged in letting him have) but found nothing suitably sharp. He patted down his green vest, which he still wore from that morning's hike up Mother's Hill, behind the farmer Jack's property.  
  
Mary sat on the bed, playing with her long, dark-brown braid, and watched her father remove the wrapping with a pen. "What is it?"  
  
"The Doctor told me I should be expecting this-- apparently Jamal has a new kind of herb that he's never seen before, and the doc wanted me to try it out. There," he said, finally getting the paper off.  
  
Basil looked at the two-pound blocks of marijuana, wrapped in shiny plastic, sitting at his desk.  
  
He blinked, and looked again, scrunching his face up. "Grass mulchings?"  
  
"No," he reevaluated slowly, scratching at his chin. "It's a bit crumbly-looking, and the smell is all wrong. Frankly, I'm stumped. I'd like to have a few words with Jamal about it."  
  
"This was with the package too, daddy," Mary said, holding up a large folder. She handed it to her father, who promptly tore it open.  
  
"What the heck?" He reached inside and puilled out a folded-up letter, and a large marijuana leaf, pressed between two large pieces of wax paper.  
  
The leaf was huge, roughly the size of Basil's head, with seven distinctive serrated leaflets branching out symmetrically from the stem. Its stem was rough to the touch, hairy and somewhat grooved. Although the leaf itself was dried and browned, there was evidence on the stem that its hairs were exuding a light colorless sap, like dried glue. Basil sniffed at it and nodded; the dried sap was contributing to the distinctive smell of this most peculiar plant.  
  
"What are you going to do with it, Daddy?" Mary asked her father, giving a slight tug on her braid.  
  
Basil shrugged as he stood, stroking his chin, deep in thought. "We may as well smoke it, to see if it really works," he said. He began to reach into his green vest's pocket for his pipe, then stopped and looked at his daughter. "Oh, and could you please bring up some snacks for me? For some reason, just smelling the damn thing gave me the munchies."  
  
[ To be continued! ] 


	8. Puffing the Magic Dragon

[ Continued from the last installment, on 11-8-01. No, I don't smoke pot, nor have I ever, although I'm not counting accidental second-hand inhalation from my college dorm mates. Don't do drugs, man! ]  
  
"Welcome to mah crib," Jamal said as he threw wide the door. On his front stoop, Won the merchant and Saibara the blacksmith stood awkwardly, shuffling their feet and giving unsure glances at each other. "Shit, niggas, don't just stand there looking like dicks at a lesbo party, come in! Hell ya!"  
  
Won and Saibara looked at each other once more before hesitantly stepping inside the Seaside Lodge, for the first time since Kai the sailor handed ownership of the establishment over to his brother from the city.  
  
"It's, uh, different," was all Saibara could manage as he looked around the interior. His bushy white eyebrows had jumped several inches up his forehead, while Won'sjaw hung as he gaped openly at the new decorations. Jamal, grinning behind his sunglasses, reached over and closed his jaw with a clicking noise.  
  
The place was a far cry from the Seaside Lodge that either guest remembered. Round tables with red-and-white checkered tablecloths used to fill the high-ceilinged room, while a countertop and bar ran parallel to the back wall. Wide windows with white cloth drapes were usually thrown wide open, allowing salty breezes from the ocean to comein from the ocean and make the curtains billow lazily. Tasteful watercolored paintings hung, framed, of mostly idyllic scenes from distant places in Kai's adventures.  
  
"What the hell, sir, did you do to the place?" Won blinked, disbelieving his eyes.  
  
Last summer, and the years before, the wooden-furnished interior of the Seaside Lodge was quiet and functional. Now, however, it looked more like some college student's dormitory room. Beaded curtains hung everywhere, as did sticks of incense in their holders. The fluorescent lighting was replaced with blacklights, and the jukebox now played reggae at a blaring level, which Jamal thankfully lowered for his guests.  
  
"Check this shit out, homies," Jamal said, standing by a light switch. As soon as he flipped it, the prints of Bob Marley on the wall seemed to jump off their paper in garish neon colors as the blacklights kicked in. Won and Saibara gaped even more now, if that was possible.  
  
Jamal bobbed his head in time with the beat of the jukebox music coming from one corner of the room. "Ya likes it,right? I did it myself. It's da shit, right?" Jamal grinned even more broadly now.  
  
"It's shit, alright," Saibara muttered under his breath. He jumped as Jamal's hand came down in a hearty slap on his back.  
  
"Hell yeah, nigga, know what I'm sayin'? But hell, man, I didn't invites ya two over here to check out mah decorashuns; I invited you to pop this herb virgin's cherry," he pointed at a terrified Won, "and to christen the new baby. Ya'll ready now?"  
  
Saibara simply nodded, while Won shook in his bright yellow Chinese shirt, which was several sizes too big on him and seemed to come alive under the lavender glow of the black lights. Jamal lead them past a beaded curtain to a room that seemed even more offensive to the eyes, and stood next to a wooden shelf (also painted to glow under the black lights) where dozens of bongs stood.  
  
"This here's my collection," he said. "With this shit, we can make a high nigga pie," he tittered, and gestured to his guests. "Damn, suckas, take a seat! I'll be right back to get the baby," he said, rubbing his hands with glee, and then disappeared behind another beaded curtain.  
  
Saibara and Won shrugged and tried to lower themselves with as much dignity as possible into Jamal's bean bag chairs, which, like his bongs, were in random colors and shapes. "Oof," Saibara muttered.  
  
"Please, sir, do you think this is a good idea?" Won withdrew a handkerchief from his robes and mopped his forehead. "I mean, we don't really know anything about this...grass of Jamal's, and the Doctor is still testing its validity. How sure are we that this grass will work?"  
  
Saibara glowered at Won, although under his bushy mustache and eyebrows it was impossible to guess so. Besides, he was always like this. "It's called 'weed,' ya big flaming poofter, and I reserve all opinions about it till I try it out myself."  
  
He thought for a moment, and added, "What's all this about popping yer cherry? What did he call you back there? 'Herb virgin,' was it? What's the meaning of that, you giant yellow dandy-boy?"  
  
Before Won could respond, however, and much to Won's relief, Jamal entered the room. In his silk-covered hands, he held a giant red bong, roughly three and a half feet long. It was red and shiny, as though buffed many times lovingly, and was made of red glass. Inside, water sloshed around high inside the cylinder.  
  
"Hell yeah, niggas. This here's the BluntMasta 3000, which Won got me. Thinks, homie!" Jamal lifted the giant bong towards Won in a small tribute, and set it down on the table before taking a seat on a bean bag.  
  
"By the way, Jamal," Saibara said, watching Jamal pack some crushed and chopped marijuana into the smaller pipe that jutted out halfway up the length of the tube. "I was able to create more of these... bongs...in my workshop. Pretty soon, after some refinements, we can start mass producing them and selling them at the grocer, or at the Doctor's place."  
  
Yeah? For real? Hell, that's great, man-- word is, Lillia's experimenting with this fine ass shit here, and a bong's just what she needs to fully appreciate the...wonderful aromas of this fine ass shit," Jamal said in an airy voice, then broke into laughter. "Heheheheheh, I said 'fine ass shit' twice in the same sentence!"  
  
Saibara and Won glanced at each other warily.  
  
Jamal started lighting the bong on the smaller pipe's mouth while taking deep inhalations from the wide lip of the cylinder above. "This is to get the fucking smoke started," he explained, noting his guests' perplexed looks. "You light up the smaller pipe down there," he pointed, "and when you inhale the shit, it pulls it in through the water, making it bubble and it purifies the shiznit. You breathe in the smoke, and it's aaallll gooood. Word, muthafucka! Yeah!"   
  
Jamal grinned again before lowering his head over the massive lip of the bong, which nearly encircled his face. Already, white vapor, like an ethereal silk, wafted above the water, and Won and Saibara watched as it disappeared at the same time Jamal started making deep inhalations.  
  
"Oh, heeelllllll yeah," Jamal breathed as he lifted his head again. His eyes were fluttering as though in ecstasy, then opened once more and focused on the two wary guests. With a wide grin on his face, he turned the lip of the bong towards Won, who alternated looking at it and looking at Jamal.  
  
"Aaight, herb virgin," he said. "--It's your turn now."  
[ to be continued ] 


	9. Chinkie boy, Grumpy dude, and Herb boy g...

"Wahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha!"  
  
Jamal, Won, and Saibara grabbed at their sides, tears rolling down their aching cheeks. They had been smoking pot for over an hour now, and outside, the church bells tolled in the distance, announcing it was 6 o'clock.  
  
"Shhsuhhshhuushhhuuuu," Won slurred sloppily, swishing his finger like a windshield wiper over his mouth. "Quiet, sirs! Quiet! Do you hear that? Shhuhshh!"  
  
Jamal and Saibara, respectively the new owner of the Seaside Lodge and Mineral Village's blacksmith, fell to a quiet hush as the bell tolled for the final time almost morosely, then faded away into the wind. "Whuzzatshit, man?" Jamal hiccupped accidentally, from too much laughter.  
  
"Izza church bells!" Won replied, then slapped his knee as he cracked up again. The other two were only too willing to join him, filling the room with their laughter once more.  
  
"Eh hehh heh heh, heuh... er. I don't get it," Saibara said, scratching his head.  
  
"WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the trio cracked up even more loudly.   
  
Won and Jamal slapped each other on the backs, as Saibara shrugged and placed his mouth over the mouth of the bong. He sucked in all of the smoke till his cheeks swelled up like round, red balloons.  
  
Jamal snorted painfully through his nose as he pointed at the face-bloated blacksmith, trying to stop laughing for just a minute. "Hah! You look like my blow up doll!"  
  
Won stopped laughing abruptly, as his face scrunched up at Jamal. "Your what?," he asked almost seriously, but he gave in and began tittering, which caused another eruption of laughter all around the tiny stockroom in the Seaside Lodge. Saibara, who'd been holding in the smoke for as long as he could, gave up and swallowed the cheekfulls of marijuana smoke, and coughed lamely, wiping a tear from his eye.  
  
"Oh man," Saibara wheezed, as the laughter finally subdued into quiet and mindless giggles. "This stuff is great, Jamal! Thank you for inviting me over!"  
  
"Hey, brutha! No problem, ya hear me?" Jamal wiped the sweat out of his eyes, he had been laughing so hard. "Shit, man, this is fun. We gotta do this more often."  
  
"I hear ya, bro!" Won said, in his typically heavy Chinese accent, just as an electronic beeping filled the darkened room.  
  
Saibara grinned, but resisted the urge to call him a "flaming yellow pansy," as Jamal reached behind over and pulled out a cellular phone from his rear pants pocket.  
  
"Oh shit, man!" Jamal exclaimed as he looked at the CallerID. "It's that herb dude!"  
  
"Jack?" Saibara snickered, sending Won into a peal of laughter so that he fell backwards over his bean bag chair.  
  
"Naw, man! That's 'nature boy'! It's that herb dude, y'know, thyme! Shit, whuzzisname?"  
  
"Oh, you mean Basil!" Saibara snorted through his nose loudly. "Another blasted nilly-willy, if ever I saw one. But his daughter's a cutie, that's for sure!"  
  
"Amen!" Jamal seconded, as he flipped his phone open. "Yo, herb dude! Talk to me!"  
  
On the other end of the line, Basil, Mineral Village's only herbologist, stared at the phone. "Whadja call me? Who ya callin' a herb?" he asked loudly.  
  
"Wahahahahaha!" the trio at the Seaside Lodge broke out again into fits of uncontrollable laughter, as Jamal tried hopelessly to quiet them with a wave of his hand.  
  
"Shit, man! Shaddup already! Can't hear the herb dude on the other end of the line! Whassup, man? Watcha want?"  
  
"Daddy, are you sure you're alright?" Mary's voice could be made out through the other end of the phone, concern filling her voice.  
"Shit, woman! I said quiet already!" Basil snapped at his daughter, then giggled over the phone. "Er. Sorryry aboot that, man. The bitch just won't be quiet. Who are you, anyway?" he asked Mary.  
  
"Daddy!"  
  
"Hey man," Jamal said. "If you've got female probs, c'mon over to da lodge. Shit man, herb virgin and grumpy bald dude are already over here."  
  
"Sxnrt!" Won snorted through his nose at that, which earned him a slap up the backside of his head from Saibara. "Begging your thousand pardons, sir, but I am no longer an herb virgin!"  
  
"Huh?" Basil asked over the phone.  
  
"Oh yeah, oh yeah.... hmmm," Jamal rubbed at his chin thoughtfully. "We gotta get a new name for ya, dat's right." He shrugged. "Well, we'll think of one later."  
  
"Just what's going on over there?" Basil managed to get out, between suppressed giggles. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Oh, the usual. Drinking some Bud, smoking some bud," Jamal began, then froze. "Hey! You heard that? I rhymed! I was a poet, and didn't even know it!"  
  
Basil, along with Won and Saibara on the other end of the phone, cracked up again. As soon as the laughter subsided, Basil screamed into the phone. "Whaaasaaaap?"  
  
"Whazzzaaaaap?" Jamal screamed back in reply, wagging his tongue, then held the phone up in the air.  
  
"Whut's uuupppp?," Saibara asked, as Won asked, "What iiisss uppppp?" Jamal smacked himself in the face and grinned hopelessly.  
  
"Daddy! That's enough now! Hang up the phone and let's go right back home!" Mary pleaded on the other end. "What ever it is that you smoked, I don't like it one bit! Let's go home, daddy! Mother will be very upset!"  
  
"Shit, that old broad? Who needs that fat old cow--? *click!*" Basil asked, and all of a sudden, the phone went dead in Jamal's hand.  
  
"Hullo?" Jamal asked, as Won and Saibara continued tittering. "Hullo? Herb dude? You there?"  
  
"You called him 'herb dude' again!" Won pointed, screaming in laughter, and then Jamal shrugged and threw the phone over his shoulder and went right back to smoking up.  
  
  
----------------------------------------------  
  
  
"That's enough for you," Doug said, his moustache bristling angrily. "I don't know what makes you think you can talk to your daughter in that manner, but it's just not like you, Basil!" Doug, the innkeeper of the Winespring Inn, wiped his glasses behind the counter nearly as furiously as the looks he was giving the herbologist.  
  
"Now, you can't use my phone anymore until you go home and sober up," he added. "And jeezus, take a bath! You smell rancid."  
  
"Sure thing, Dougie Wougie," Basil said, leaning on the bar counter. He was having a hard time keeping his face straight. "'Fore I go, I need ta ask ya for some food. Frankly, I'm starving. It seems hunger is a side effect of smoking that new kind of medicinal herb that Jamal sent me." Basil blinked, and wondered how he managed to get all of that out without cracking up once. "In any case, ya got anything to eat?"  
  
"Well, this is more like it!" Doug put down the filthy glass behind the counter. It was clean enough. Besides, he had a customer to tend to now. "Making rowdy phone calls on my telephone is one thing, but making money for me is another! What'll you have?"  
  
"I'll have a rotisserie chicken," Basil ordered, ignoring his daughter pulling in a futile effort on his arm. As if right on cue, his stomach rumbled wildly and loudly, startling Jeff, the town's grocer, who was sitting at a nearby table with a glass of grape juice in his hand (his kidney stones wouldn't let him handle anything stronger than that).  
  
Both Basil and Doug stared, and even Mary seemed frozen to the spot. "Er, I'll have three of those," Basil said, sheepfacedly.  
  
  
[to be continued ] 


	10. The Eight Harvest Sprites

"Hello?" Hello, Jack? Are you home?"  
  
Jack the farmer looked up from his work at the sound of the familiar voice. He was in the middle of milking his cows, being assisted by the Harvest Sprites, in his barn. He turned to the nearest sprite, a diminuitive large-nosed thing dressed entirely in purple, from the top of his pointy coned hat, to the hem of his tablecloth-like robes.  
  
"Er....Tinky, was it? Tinky, I need to step out for a minute and see who that is. Do you think you and the others can take over while I'm gone?"  
  
The sprite struggled with the metal cannister full of milk, which was clearly twice his own size. "I'm Winky!," the sprite corrected him. "We's is union members! You don't work, we don't work, chum!"  
  
Jack blinked. "What? Union members?"  
  
"They're the union members," called a voice behind one of the cows. "I wanna be a dentist!"  
  
"Shaddup, Minky!" The purple sprite finally put down his load and looked up at Jack while wiping the sweat off his brow. "'Strue, it's all in our contract, too-tall! Just read the fine print," he added.  
  
Jack was about to say something, but he heard his visitor call out for him once more, and knock on his front door. "Well....alright! But after this, it's right back to work," he said irritably.  
  
The purple-draped sprite whistled shrilly, and around the barn, seven other colorful cones turned to face him. "Break time, boys!"  
  
Jack watched as they each dropped what they were doing and filed out the barn doors. One lit up a cigarette, while the other chugged back a bottle of beer inside a brown paper bag.  
  
"Ah, Jack! There you are," called the voice again.  
  
Pastor Carter walked up to the barn doors, smiling as he watched the Sprites. "My, my! What short little people! Jack, who are they?"  
  
"Short? We ain't short! We's is vertically-challenged!" said one in green.  
  
"Yeah, you're being heightist! Insensitive, that's what you is!" seconded a blue one. "Watch yer mouth, or I'll kick yer ankle!"  
  
"Forgive me," said the priest, still smiling. "Jack, won't you introduce us?"  
  
"Er, sure. Guys, this is Pastor Carter," Jack said, slowly. "Pastor, these are the Harvest Sprites: Tinky, Winky, Blinky, Dinky, Minky, Stinky, Pinky, and Frodo."  
  
"Frodo?" The priest raised an eyebrow.  
  
"'E's adopted," Winky explained through the corner of his mouth. Leaning against the barn wal, the plaid-dressed Frodo waved innocently. "Mother always did like him best," Winky sneered.  
  
Pastor Carter looked blankly for a moment before snapping back to his senses. "Er... right. Jack, tomorrow is the Music Festival. Would you like to attend, please?"  
  
"Of course," the farmer replied with a laugh. "Will I get to play the ocarina again?"  
  
"Pastor Carter rooted int his pockets, looking for the oddly-shaped wind instrument, before finally handing it over. "Now remember, Jack--"  
  
"Be on time," Jack finished for him. "Five o'clock, right? I'll be there!"  
  
"Thank you." The priest turned as trhough to go away, but stopped. "Oh yes, there's one more thing-- I believe Jamal, our new neighbor, will most likely stop by your farm tomorrow. Could you please walk him to the church?"  
  
Jack scratched his head and opened his mouth, but it was Tinky, an orange-clad sprite, who voiced Jack's thoughts. "Yur, vhy does Jack 'ave to go vith Jamal? 'E lives closer to dur church!"  
  
Pastor Carter smiled in his typically enigmatic way. "I believe he has some questions about growing some crops of his own. And Jack here is our town's resident farmer, is he not?"  
  
Jack blushed, while the sprites all rolled their eyes or merely shrugged. "Votever," said Tinky.  
  
"Pastor, that doesn't make sense. Jamal lives on the beach-- there's no soil for him to cultivate on!"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. Jamal did ask the mayor, who in turn mentioned it to me in passing. The mayor did say something about some pots, or something-- he seemed just as confused about it as I."  
  
"Pots, huh?" Jack thought for a minute and then laughed. "Well, there are no sizable crops that come in pots-- I suppose I don't have to worry about competition from him. I'll see you tomorrow then." He waved goodbye, and turned to an orange sprite next to him, which was sipping from a metal flask. "Well, Winky--- would you like to round up the troops and head back to work now?"  
  
"My name's Blinky, not Winky! Winky's the one in purple," Blinky said, highly insulted.  
  
"Oh..... er, sorry," was all Jack could say.  
  
"Get it right, ya jackass!"  
  
[ to be continued ] 


	11. Communist Elves

Jack finished his chores early that day, thanks to the Harvest Sprites' hard work, for which he paid them each a freshly-laid chicken egg. He thought it was more than fair, since, all together they'd gotten a lot done, but he looked in surprise as a Harvest Sprite tugged at his pants leg.  
  
"Hold it, comrade," Pinky said after looking dubiously at his wages. "Is this it? Look here, you proletariat upper-class oppressor of the little people...."  
  
"Proletariat? Upper-class?" Jack looked around at his tiny farm.  
  
The angry sprite produced a tiny red book from underneath his pointy hat, as the others gathered around, expecting a free show, as masses are wont to do. "Says here, in the People's Red Book, that I'm entitled to my fair share inna order to survive comf'tably an' securely, as provided for by da state! And that, Too-Tall, is you!" Around him, the other sprites nodded their heads vigorously.  
  
Jack took the book Pinky was waving and thumbed through it. "Little People, huh?"  
  
"We ain't little; we's is vertically-challenged, ya jackass!" called someone from the crowd. More nodding.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute," Jack closed the book and waved it at Pinky, who had crossed his arms across his tiny chest. "This is Mao's Little Red Book! You guys are communist elves?"  
  
"All for one, one for all," Pinky grinned.  
  
"And it's 'sprite,' ya dumb fuck!" corrected te same voice.  
  
Jack looked up angrily. "All right, who keeps saying that?"  
  
The mass parted to reveal a lone sprite in plaid, suddenly looking very sheepish. "What?" asked Frodo the Sprite.  
  
Jack glared at him for a moment, then handed Pinky back his book. "Well.... okay. Starting tomorrow, you guys can each get an egg and one item from the fields," he said, as he watched them look excitedly one another. "And not my horse!," he added, as he caught Blinky's, Tinky's and Dinky's eyes wavering over to the young mare.  
  
"Awwwww!"  
  
Jack dusted his hands and smiled. "Okay, I'll see you guys tomorrow then?"  
  
"Hell no, biotch," shouted Dinky, a blue-clad Sprite. "Tomorrow's a holiday, remember? The Goddess Music Festival?"  
  
Jack snapped his fingers, suddenly recalling Pastor Carter's invitation. "Okay, the day after, then."  
  
"Works for us, Too-Tall." Winky came forward, unrolling a piece of paper. "And at that time, we'd like to discuss a proposition forwarded from our Union...."  
  
"You guys are communist... and you're unionized?"  
  
"Yep! Village Masons of Columbus, chapterhouse 224! Now, about this proposition... we'd like a 401K each, and dental, and life insurance benefits, and--"  
  
"Forget it, Winky. I'm a farmer. I don't even get those!"  
  
"Pardon me," the Sprite continued, nonplussed. "I believe I was talking here. Now-- Pinky needs certain days off, for religious observances, of course, and--"  
  
"Get out!"  
  
[ to be continued ] 


	12. The FiveOh

By the time Jack managed to get rid of the Harvest Sprites, he could hear the church bells ringing in the distance. He was walking slowly, enjoying the cool evening air with his dog Bandit at his heels. He passed the chicken farm, and then the Yodel livestock farm. He waved at old man Barley, who was taking pictures of his granddaughter, May, in a skimpy two- piece swimsuit, but when the old man saw him, he hastily closed the bedroom window curtains.  
  
He's probably taking lots of pictures to send back to his daughter in the big city, Jack thought cheerily. Now she can see how much her daughter's grown! How nice of him! But I wonder why Pastor Carter was visiting this late at night?  
  
Jack also passed the town square, where the lumberjack, Gotz, was rooting for recyclable cans in the trash bin, and then finally arrived to the Seaside Inn Resort, where Kai's brother, Jamal, had taken over.  
  
He'd never visited Jamal at the resort, but Jack knew he was going in the right direction; he'd visited before, when Kai was around, and even then, he could hear rap music blasting from as far away as Yodel Farm.  
  
"Yo, Jack! Whuddup?"  
  
Jack turned and saw Jamal waving him over from the entrance to the resort. "Good evening, Jamal. How's the resort business going?"  
  
"Aww, man, it's da shit!" Jamal grinned as he took a long drag from his oddly-shaped cigarette, which was pinched at either end, and then sighed contentedly. "Hell yeah."  
  
"That bad, huh?" Jack shook his head, and was about to say something else, but was interrupted.  
  
"Whut? Hell no, mah nigga. Ain't no one staying here, man. But ah gots me a little sumpin'-sumpin', know what I mean? Something on the D.L. that provides me the bling-bling and the kaching-kaching."  
  
"The what?" asked Jack, confused.  
  
"It's all about the Benjamins, homedawg."  
  
"The who?"  
  
"Awww, yeeaaah. Here, let me show you." Jamal was about to admit Jack in, when he whirled around and planted a hand on the farmer's chest. "But first," he said.  
  
"First what?"  
  
"First, ah gots to know if you're down with the Man, know what I mean? A man's got to protect his livelihood from da Five-Oh. ESPECIALLY the Five- Oh."  
  
Jack stared at him for a minute, face scrunched up in confusion. He never realized it before, but Jamal was an incredibly big guy, almost bigger than Zach. Not only that, but the Seaside Resort was far away from the town proper, too far for anyone to hear him scream. Images from movies Pastor Carter had shown him were beginning to flood his head one after another, and here he was, all along with Jamal... oh so very alone...  
  
"Daddy, don't!" screamed Jack.  
  
"Yo, nature boy! You wid me, or what?"  
  
With a start, Jack snapped awake. "Huh? What? Sorry?"  
  
Jamal cracked up, doubling over with laughter. "Shit, man. Thought you wuz a goner. I was askin' if you were down with the Five-Oh!"  
  
"Oh!" Finally, Jack realized what was saying, and with some reluctance, took out his wallet and put $50 in his hand.  
  
"Heh! You're crazy, but that's what I love 'bout you white people," Jamal said as he crumpled the bill into his own pocket. "Aiit, homeboy. C'mon in to Casa del Jamal."  
  
[ to be continued ] 


End file.
